Open this up! Open it up!
What the bloody hell?
All right. gentlemen. Coming up right away.
All right. let's have a bit of decorum here.
- What do you want? - Well. I was just wonderi ng if—
Speak up! I'm a busy man.
Yes. that's what I wanted to talk to you about.
| used to be a oooper's apprentice. and I was—
All right. Coming up right away. What is it. boy? Spit it out.
I was wondering if you could tell me something about the inkeeping business.
- I'm sure I could change trades— - What. now?
Mr. Rotcod. that party in the corner is still waiting.
Tell them it's coming up right away. Just go away. I've got no time.
Perhaps it would help if you put the pitcher of ale over here...
and thejar of mead over here...
'cause I couldn't help noticing you were impairing your efﬁciency by—
Christ's kidneys! Will you get out ofmyway?
- Betty. come and give me a hand. - Your wife's not here.
- Your wife? - Not here?
Not here? Where is she?
- Well. she's-she's— - She's what?
I don't know. Maybe she's—
And where's that friend of yours. that loudmouthed squire?
- What? - No.
- No what? - No. theyre not upstairs.
I mean. theyre not— theyre not here.
- No. no. theyre not here. not here. - What?
You swine!
I'm gonna kill him. then I'm gonna kill you!
Right.
You toad!
Right! What's all this?
Brawling in the public streets. Disturbing the king's peace. eh?
This man— Mywife— Let go of me.
All right. hold him. Fred. Now young fella—
Here. I know you!
Fred. it was him who tried to get in the other day.
- Mywife and the squire— - Let's take 'em to the dungeon.
A few days there will sort 'em out.
Rigth Then we can put irons on their legs. eh?
- But— - You can't!
Destroy the monster? Oh. sire.
If you destroy the monster. you destroy the city.
In the long term it will be shown...
that we owe to the monster a period of prosperity...
unprecedented in this kingdom.
Oh. this is ridiculous. Your Majesty. the tournament must continue.
A champion must be chosen.
Bruno. the merchants may be prospering...
but your kingdom's on the verge of collapse.
Oh. Yes. Oh. well. ah—
Now hear this!
The king. that ﬂower of chivalry. that prince of monarchs...
that paragon of potentates. is going to speak.
Hear the wisdom. witness the wit...
observe the oratorical eloquence...
lend an ear...
Beautifully said.
to the mellow voice. the tender tones...
the voluptuous vowels. the coruscating consonants...
of His Majesty lGng Bruno.
Very lovely. Well. |—
Who is going to give it to you straight. illuminate the essence...
clarify the conundrums. dazzle us with logic
My lords. Your Grace...
Your Honor. the lGng!
Eh? on! Oh. yes. yes.
Bishop. my dear fellow. how can you...
a man of God. say that the beast is good?
| welcome your question. Yes.
since the advent of the beast...
church attendance has tripled. tithing has increased.
Long lines of sinners wait eagerly outside the confessionals.
- Piety has never been higher. - Oh. bravo. bravo.
- Bravo. Bravo. - Well. my lord bishop—
Oh. yes. Oh. yes. The king will speak.
The king.
Thank you.
- Guard! - Sire.
- lGll that man. - Sire.
What? Who?
Anyway. the most potent...
most poetical...
most prestigious—
Well. Your Majesty. what is your opinion?
- Your Highness. - Give us your guidance.
- Even a hint. - Well. I think—
Oh. no. What's that? What's going on here?
just one moment.
What's going on here?
Who dares sully my castle with unseemly brawls?
Guards. bring them in.
We'll show them who's king around here.
But. Your Majesty. we have important matters—
Important matters. Passelewe?
Surely keeping the peace in my own castle is important.
First things ﬁrst.
The)!!! taste the king'sjustice.
Put me down!
mm
What's this all about?
The squire— behind my back!
Calm. my man.
Remember you're in the presence of your king.
Guards. let him go.
Let him speak.
Your Majesty. this man—
this man—
- What's going on here? - Get down. sire!
Hold it!
This is outrageous.
Weren't there two of them to begin with?
Yes. sir.
Where's the other one got to?
I don't know. sir.
Right.
Yes.
Right.
Then it falls upon us to ﬁnd this man guilty.
Guilty? Guilty of what. sire?
Cannibalism.
- Keep your eyes peeled. - Right.
Quick. down this way.
Check up there.
No. Come on.
A man!
Watch the princess!
- A man! - At last you've come.
- I'm terribly sorry. barging in— - Don't be shy.
I knew you'd come someday.
- I was coming up the stairs— - Put on this robe. You turn round.
You must have traveled far to reach me.
Swum rivers. climbed mountains. fought battles.
You can turn around now.
There. Do I come up to your apectations?
Do you ﬁnd me beautiful?
Oh. yes. Thank you.
Come. my prince.
Don't be shy.
But I can't. Look at me. I'm not dressed for the occasion.
Tush.
You mustn't worry about those ﬁlthy peasant rags...
which you were no doubt forced to don in some romantic adventure.
Soon we'll have you attired once more in princely ﬁnery.
No. You see. there's been some mistake.
- My name is Dennis. - Prince Dennis.
- No. Dennis Cooper. | used to be— - Your face. You're wounded.
No. it's nothing. just a bruise.
just a bruise?
How brave you are. my prince...
No. an innkeeper sat on me.
You see. he thought—
Well. this squire. you see. his wife—
What. the innkeeper's wife was a squire?
I've been dreaming of this day for so long...
but little did I upect one so brave and valiant and wise...
one who's crossed the seven seas for me...
and galloped across deserts and dark canyons...
to be by my side at last.
- My love. - Come.
You must tell me of your many adventures.
We must get to know each other before we're married.
“Fr llra'ﬂ
No. I'm sorry. miss.
I can't do that.
Can't? Can't?
My prince. did I hear you right?
lt's kind ofyou to ask—
No. don't tell me. I know.
-I know. - You know?
In your adventures...
you rescued a maiden chained to a dark cliff.
- No. not aactly. - She fell in love.
You fell in love.
And there and then before the gods themselves...
you made a pact that only death could break
- No. you're on the wrong tack. - Come. my prince.
You must not linger in idle conversation.
You gained entry to the castle by stealth...
and now you must leave in the same way.
I know.
Sisterj essica. you must give your habit to the prince.
- My habit. Princess? - Yes. and hurry.
But what's wrong with Sister Marian's habit?
Don't be silly. Here.
Now. my prince. this is the plan.
Tomorrow is St. Talulah's Day...
and by ﬁrst light a nun of the order must depart this city...
and lay ﬁ'esh dogwood...
on the spot where St. Talulah was murdered bythe Ralph Benslow Four.
You shall be that nun. Sisterjessica?
Sisterjessica.
Well. give it to the prince.
Well. thank you. Sisterjes—
There. Proceed to the western wall...
but by the backstreets only.
When you get to the western gate. say...
"l have the holy dogwood for St. Talulah's spot.
Let me pass that I might pray a while."
Oh. my prince. My prince.
- Is this yours? - Yes. No!
Please. please let me have it.
Let me have it as a souvenir of our hopeless. ﬂawless love.
- I'll cherish it always. -I can't—
And now. my prince...
you must ﬂee.
No. No. don't kiss me.
-I couldn't stand it. - I wasn't going to.
just go.
just go. my prince.
And remember...
"l have the holy dogwood for St. Talulah's spot.”
In Latin. my love.
- Evening. Sister. - Evening.
0h, Imetamaid
AtStepney Fair
Amiga/den hair
Shesaidtame
OsaIai'erbnve
What have we got here?
A strange face?
And a pretty one.
Well now. let's have a look. Let's have a kiss.
- Come on. Sarge. She's a nun. - So she is.
Let's have a Christian kiss.
What's the matter. Sarge?
Put me to bed. boys. Put me to bed.
Look! It's the devil in the guise of a nun.
No. it's a nun in the guise of a devil.
- Get her. - Get him.
mm
A sacriﬁce must be made to appease the monster that lurks...
in the darkness in wait for us all.
And what better...
than to sacriﬁce one of the beast's own servants...
whom we caught masquerading as a holy sister of the Mother Church?
We will ﬁre him into the eternal darkness...
as a testimony to our piety and godliness.
Imagine his agony...
as the ﬂames rise higher...
higher until he is but a ball ofliving ﬁre.
Oh. the agony!
Imagine his horror...
as the mighty ballistic device...
hurls him high...
into the depths of the blackened sky!
Are you imagining the horror?
Imagine the terror of his suspense...
as our poor sacriﬁce waits. waits...
waits for the darkling earth to rise up...
and crush him to its harsh bosom.
Oh. the suspense!
The incertitude!
Oh. the uncertainty!
I like suspense.
Imagine his ﬁnal horror...
as his miserable little life is snuffed out...
in a glorious bone-crushing cascade of phosphorescence...
as he ﬁnally. agonizingly...
smashes into the ground.
- That's not fair. that. - No. it's deﬁnitely not fair.
- No. it isn't fair. - What's not fair?
- How come he gets to go? - Why should he have all the pain?
And all that “bone-crushing horror."
-Iwanttogo! -Iwanttogo!
I want to bum—
I want to feel my bones bursting into a billion pieces!
I want to trace across the ﬁnnament...
a glowing ball of ﬂame...
a testament to our godliness and piety!
- What does that mean? - I don't know. but I want it!
I want it!
- Hot! - Fire!
Nice.
Another glorious day for a tournament. eh. Passelewe?
I suppose so. Your Majesty.
You suppose so?
Suppose so?
Buck up. man. Buck up.
It's tournament time.
Certainly. Your Majesty.
But I can't but think there must be...
a better way to choose a champion.
A better way. Passelewe?
What better than the shattering of lances?
The ﬂailing of the mace?
The cut and thrust of broadswords?
The ring of falchion on cuissart?
What better way than an honest tournament?
Yes.
My dear. how beautiful you look.
Yes.
What on earth is that?
But. Dad—
W
Look at that.
Did you see that?
Right through the middle of the old demi-brassarts.
jolly good. Bravo.
There's another one on the maimed list. Probably dead by now.
Merely a scratch. that's all.
-P|enty more knights where he came ﬂ'om. -Not really. sire.
What do you mean. Passelewe. "not really. sire'?
Now. which part of this is giving you difﬁculty. Your Majesty?
Well. all of it. ﬂankly. What do you mean by it?
Basically. I mean by saying "not really. sire'...
I mean that the true situation is. or is likely to be...
ipso facto. to the contrary...
and the eract opposite to that which you may perceive.
And I appended. sire. because. after all. you are the king.
You are the king. aren't you?
And that seems to be a reasonable way of addressing a monarch.
- Daddy. - What is it. darling?
Oh. I'm sorry. What is it. darling?
Look at that brute of a knight. I couldn't marry anything like that.
Of course not. You won't have to.
He won't...
win.
Passelewe. what were we discussing a moment ago?
The toll of your knights. According to my records—
Now.just a moment. Passelewe.
You used that "sire' for the same reason...
that you used it in the ﬁrst place. right?
- Right. - Right.
I thought so.
Well. according to my records...
approximately 65 percent of the knights of your realm...
have been killed or maimed since the tournament began.
But. Passelewe. that's no ﬁgure at all.
No ﬁgure at all.
If it was 83.3 percent or 97.4 percent...
now that is a true percentage...
in absolutely the truest sense of the word.
My dearest Bruno. do listen.
If this carnage continues. even until the end of the week. where on earth—
- Hold it. hold it! - What?
This one I must see.
There must be a better way of ching a champion.
arm:
Is that you. Ethel?
I wondered what happened to you last night.
- I had some incredible adventures— - Can't talk now.
- Due in the lists in ten minutes time. - I'm coming. Mother.
Watch where you're getting the blood. will ya? Christ Almightjd
How else can we choose a champion?
I suppose we could call an election.
- Election. Passelewe? - Yes.
Oh. no. Nonsense. It wouldn't be fair to the knights.
They could draw lots.
- Draw lots? - Yes.
Bless my soul.
You mightjust as well do it "dip-dip-dip. my little ship'...
or "one potato. two potatoes.”
Or even hide-and-seek.
Forty-eight...
forty-nine...
ﬁfty.
Coming!
The cardinal said. "I asked for 13 vergers."
- Vergers? - "Why have you brought me 13 virgins?"
Now. we're in the garden...
and a thousand voices said as one man...
‘Ave, ave, passed through this way."
‘Ave, ave, " what?
-Whydo I need to say ‘Ave"? - Why don't you sit back...
and let something nice happen to you for a change.
Looks like theyve chosen a champion.
Can you see who it is?
It's my boss. Christ.
Well. congratulations. sire.
We have a champion.
Good.
- Where is he? - They haven't found him yet.
- Is that good? - Yes. That's what makes him a champion.
They will ﬁnd him. won't they?
- You must be very proud. - Proud? You shit!
- Shit! - That's a great honor. isn't it?
Honor? Maybe he'll get the honor.
I'll probably end up with...
a dragon's tooth up my burn and a shilling-a-year pension.
I'll have to sit vigil with him all night as well.
Christ. what luck.
I promised my body to a woman tonight.
Maybe I could go and tell the lady that—
Wait a minute. Maybe you could do it.
Certainlyl could. I'll tell the lady that—
Not that.
Sit the vigil.
IMF-ﬂ
I could give you my hat...
my cape.
just keep your head down. He'll never know.
- I can't do that. It's not right. - Who'll know? Come on.
A beast!
Herel am. I am.
Not you.
Forget it.
Squire? What squire?
You know what squire.
Oh. my rheumatism.
That cell was so damp. Two whole nights.
Oh. you poor dear.
Come. let me undress you and put you to bed.
It must have been an awful aperience.
It was.
Betty.
Your hands are so soft and warm.
You don't really think there was a squire up here in our bed. do you?
- Well— - Do you?
Come. let me take those off.
And that.
Doesn't that feel better?
Bernard. my darling.
Come.
Citizens...
nobles...
gentry!
The king.
Me? Oh. yes.
Good Sir Knight...
you have proved your worth on the ﬁeld of honor.
And now you must prove yourself in mortal combat...
with a monster so terrifying...
that even I would hesitate...
to meet it...
face-to-face...
in hand-to-hand combat.
Was that all right?
Well. I suppose so. my darling. yes.
And so. go forth...
and slay the beast.
And take with you the royal blessings...
and also the blessings...
of Mother Church.
Bishop!
- Get out of here! - Bloody swords!
- Is that all? - That's it.
Right.
Hemld?
Have the gates opened.
Well. carry on!
Open the gates!
Farewell.
WET“!
He took his vorpal sword in hand.
Long time the manxome foe he sought.
Sarestedhe bythe tummm tree"
andstaadawhile in thought.
And as in ufﬁsh thought he stood...
thejabberwock with eyes aﬂame...
came Mimiﬂg through the tulgey wood"
andbwﬂedasitcame.
Lance.
Lance. lance.
Come on. Come on.
Griselda.
Go get 'em. boys!
U 0 IF“: Eu 0 IF“: it
Where monster?
There he is!
Don't let him get away.
U 0 IF“: Eu 0 IF“: it
I am here. Griselda. Fear not.
Gee. a knight.
I never saw a knight before.
Oh. Mr. Fishﬁnger.
Oh. stop dribbling. woman.
Oh. bless you. O noble lad.
Oh. thank you.
Stand aside. Mrs. Fishﬁnger.
Sorry. Mr. Fishﬁnger. Are you all right?
You almost cut my arm ofl!
You always were a clumsy one. Dennis Cooper.
Shame on you.
Get out!
jesus!
I could get blood poisoning. Was that sword sterilized?
I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to.
I'll bind it up foryou. I'll get some bandages.
jesus. Get ofl!
m
- What? - Look
Good Sir Knight. Good Sir Knight.
We're so grateful to you for rescuing us...
ﬂ'om the clutches of those foul ﬁends.
Upsy-daisy.
Very gracious of you. Sir Knight.
We're very undeserving really. We'rejust humble ﬁsher folk.
However. we do have this maiden daughter.
As there is this custom in these parts...
the knight quite often marries the maiden he's rescued.
Say hello to the knight. Griselda honey.
Mr. Fishﬁ nger. it was me that rescued you.
Will you clear ofl! What do you say. Sir Knight. hmm?
Good Sir Knight.
- Well? - Hark. Be gone.
- Wait! - Come back here!
Sir Knight. come back. please!
Griselda. Mr. Fishﬁnger.
I've got to go. I'm sorry about your hand.
- It hurts! - Griselda. I've missed you so much.
I've kept your potato.
You really are a big disappointment to me.
Get out. I thought you were gonna make something of yourself.
Mr. Fishﬁnger. he is the king's champion.
Shame! Call yourself an eligible suitor for our fair Griselda?
You're nothing but a vagrant
You leave her alone. Leave her alone.
Go on!
Someone at the door. dear.
- We've got to make up our minds now. - Gentlemen!
- We can't delay another day. - Let's do something.
This king's champion must be stopped.
The monster must be protected.
If he kills the monster. we'll all be ruined.
Let me prevail upon you.
No more argy-bargy is necessary...
because I have a plan.
The Black Knight.
mm
I thinkwe must be getting closer.
Grease. Grease.
Now that.
Lance.
Get him.
And hast thou slain thejabberwock?
Come to my arms. my beamish boy.
- Oh. ﬂabjous dajd - The monster's dead!
The monster's dead!
Stop! No one's to enter the city unless they have some money.
Stop. I say!
Oh. my God!
Cancel those shipments of wine. grain. straw!
Cancel everything!
Dennis. here she is— Griselda.
Here I am.
It's me!
It was always you.
You was the one we was always pushing for.
We'll have the wedding tomorrow. Even this afternoon.
We'll get the bishop.
Dennis. you're wonderful.
Griselda. at last we can have the life we always wanted.
My boy. congratulations.
We offer you our heartfelt thanks.
You have cleared the kingdom of a great menace.
And I am very happy...
to fulﬁll my promise and to bestow upon you—
What's his name?
It's Dennis.
Dennis Cooper. Your Royalshipness.
And that's his ﬁancee. my daughter.
You. Dennis...
one-half of my entire kingdom...
and the hand in marriage of my daughter...
the princess.
Come. my boy. to the palace.
- But— - Come.
I pronounce you man and wife.
Prince and princess.
Whose idea was it—
- Don't you see— -Will you shut up!
Look out. sire!